I’ve been blogging too much, so I’m going to treat this post like a TMI to keep it short…
- First off who qualifies as an ex in my book?
Anyone with whom I’ve had a live in relationship.
Anyone with whom I’ve had a non-live-in intimate sexual relationship of more than four months. - Who doesn’t qualify as an ex?
One night stands, dates, brief sexual affairs, swinging partners, romantic involvements and affairs of the heart and mind.
This means that Ryan is an ex but Russell or Gerard is not.
In total 7 men qualify as my exes by my calculation. My first boyfriend, Warren, lasted about a year. We both lived with our parents and engaged in kissing, petting and just once, sex (after I was legal). My first and last partners, Bob and Ric, were my intimates for 13+ years. I met Bob on the rebound from Warren. Bradley and I were together about four months when I was in my first year of uni. The remaining exes were Gary (2 years), Ryan (4 years) and Paolo (7 years).
Contact
I still see Bob several times a year as he is the father of our daughter and grandfather to the little guys. There’s been some contact via Facebook and email with Paolo, and I spent a cordial half hour with him a few years ago. I (briefly) saw Ryan from a distance last year and I could contact him there was a reason to. But there isn’t.
I have no idea where the others are now, although I wish them well wherever they are.
My interactions with Bob are shallow (what’s new) and of necessity. For years we avoided each other except when it came to matters of child rearing. We had very different ideas about that too. I tolerate him now because I want to make my daughter happy. We sank our mutual animosity at my daughter’s wedding, where he and Ric my last partner, got on disturbingly well.
Watching them exchange jokes and remarks about me scared the crap out of me. It told me something about myself and about that last relationship I really didn’t want to know. I’m still processing the sudden end of my relationship with Ric, though I’m grateful that the break-up occurred when it did, as it meant I was able to be there for Mum in the final years of her life.
The non-exes
The men in the second category outlined above all appeared in my life during or just after my relationship with Bob, (including Russell). They were an outcome of our youth and immaturity, differences in sexual desire, my growing feminism and desire for education and Bob’s ongoing emotional manipulation and abuse. Bob and I broke up twice, and I’m glad we got back together the second time – otherwise I would not have had my darling daughter and my grandchildren.
Together Again?
If I was able to get together with any of my exes it would of course be Ryan – although since he was the one who left that is extremely unlikely, and we’d probably have little in common nowadays. The ex I am most likely get back together with is Paolo. He contacted me some time ago, and we still have a soft spot for each other – or more accurately for our memories of each other. Both our lives have moved on substantially now, and although I’m sometimes tempted by the thought, I suspect it would be a very bad move for us both. You may get to meet Paolo one day, but I am very protective of him, he was a tender and gentle man, and I treated him badly, so maybe not. Time will tell.
What do I miss?
What do I miss about my exes? Intimacy and daily interaction obviously – especially where Ryan and Paolo are concerned. Being cooked for: Ryan, Paolo and Ric were fine cooks and often took on that role. Shared interests, especially a love of music and art (Bradley, Ryan and Ric). Touch. Sex…
…Wearing significant jewellery, symbols of relationship – my finger still itches if I take my rings off for any length of time.
Indigo and Isobel
Because of this feeling of loss I bought the rings you see in the photo above for myself. I refer to them as Isobel and Indigo. These two rings replace others which have been lost, discarded or returned to my exes.
- I bought Indigo after I started this blog, just prior to my visit to John Oh. Her dark blue stone symbolises both my mourning for mum and my new beginnings.
- The gold band, Isobel, was purchased second hand just after Mum and I moved in together, when I came to the realisation I would be living on my own for the rest of my life, once she eventually died. As I walked out of the door of my favorite antique jewellery store the ring on my finger, the chorus from a Bjork song (written by poet Sjorn) came into my head, and the name Isobel was born:
My name Isobel
Married to myself
My love Isobel
Living by herself
What I didn’t realise until I copied these words across to this post were the verses either side of the chorus:
In a forest pitch dark
Glowed the tiniest spark
It burst into flame
Like me
Like me
…
In a heart full of dust
Lives a creature called lust
It surprises and scares
Like me
Like me
How appropriate!
Source: Bjork (1995) Post.
Lyrics: Google Play
Details and an Mp3 file on Wikipedia
To see who else is thinking about their ex this week, put a wicked ring on your finger:
I totally love that song by Björk. Great story, thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s funny how snippets of music stick. I think we create little soundtracks of our lives unconsciously. Glad you enjoyed it. Indie
LikeLike
That was great to read – really helps me fit it all into place – I expect I should attempt something like that really 😉 x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you enjoyed it! Xx
LikeLike
We look at exes exactly the same way, in the way we describe who is an ex and who not. Thanks for sharing more about them. And… I love the idea of your rings!
Rebel xox
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Rebel!
LikeLike
I understand having the soft memories of a former lover. I have one ex with whom I remain friends, but we’ve discovered with some trial and many errors that we operate best when we’re offering emotional support from afar.
I’m not familiar with most of Björk’s work, but I feel compelled to listen to that song now to better understand the reference. Thank you for leading me to new music.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure, I’ve been fortunate in being led to new music all my life by friends, lovers and my brother. So I’m happy to return the favour!
Thanks for commenting.
Indie
LikeLike
I love the idea of buying yourself a ring to symbolize a commitment to yourself – that’s brilliant! The lyrics fit perfectly – of course, I’m reminded of a phoenix, born into fire and ash. You have obviously come out of these relationships stronger, and that’s beautiful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jo I think I am stronger, but its been quite a journey. xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
The longest journeys are sometimes the most worthwhile!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would have preferred to arrive at this point about 10 years ago (purely from my pov,) I feel a bit like I’m getting near the end of the race and I’d like to feel a little less tired and sore.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, never say never, no one knows what the future holds for them. You might be alone now but I have found the world has a funny way of working and that might mean you won’t always be alone
Mollyx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Molly, I’m still open to possibilities.
Indiex
LikeLike
I really liked your explanation of the rings. For some reason I’ve never thought of naming rings, but love the meaning behind it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Cara. I’ve never done it before, but Isobel kind of named herself. And once I had Is, Indie followed on naturally. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person