No. 27. Zombie Apocalypse


I’ve faced quite a few fears over the years, and find myself much altered from the woman I was in my 30’s and 40’s. I encountered and caused loves gain and loss, and more recently lives of those around me and I’m painfully conscious of how often I’ve repeated mistakes. This sometimes manifests as free floating anxiety, and alone, or coupled with bouts of depression, has gradually mounted in severity over the years. When I’m deep into it everything looks dark, bleak and hopeless, and the self loathing pounces on me. But I’ve also learned that this is what it is, and have strategies to address the situation. So I don’t fear it, but I don’t take it for granted either.

In my day to day life I’ve experienced hard work and times of considerable frivolous indolence and self indulgence. Consequently I have rarely worried too much about money and living, except when something unexpected happens, like my previous relationship break up, and my subsequent choice to take on the caring role for Mum. I am however, far more conscious of how the world is changing and how hard it is financially for my younger friends including CM and Sara.

I’m starting to think more about how my daughter, grandchildren and those close friends I love will cope if I drop of the twig any time in the next ten years.  Regular readers will be familiar with my concerns over CM’s depression last winter. I wonder if finally I am gaining a sense of responsibility.

Things I took for granted way back when – like time to fix mistakes and have new adventures now have a sense of advancing use by dates. This feeling underpinned my recent travels, and while I’m struggling to sort out my day to day life since I returned, due to some unresolved mental health matters, part of me has the bug and is itching to travel again. At the same time I am trying to sort out where I will live – presumably for the rest of my life. I love the Oasis, but the summer heat is fierce up there. And my main house was really set up for Mum’s final years. It is a drain on my finances, not suitable for my art making and the traffic and anti-social behaviour has increased. At this stage no easy solution presents itself, but I am well aware of how privileged I am anyway. I do have a little time up my sleeve so I’m trying not to panic.

Being the control freak that I am one thing I am afraid of  is losing physical and mental capacities. I’m not afraid of pain as such – I’ve had enough procedures and operations to know how I cope with that.  However having watched Mum and then her sister  go through Dementia, and experiencing  minor chronic pain and loss of strength often associated with aging, as well as the mental health debilities I am currently wading through  I do fear losing my capacity for independence. And while my daughter has offered to set up a “granny flat” at her house its about the last thing I’d contemplate.

I like to be naked or semi clothed and struggle to hide my sex toys from the grandkids when they visit now. And while CM and I have our companionate relationship, neither of us are adverse to me pursuing an active sex or kink lifestyle with other people once I’m more settled.  I see no reason at this stage to forgo an active sex life of some sort until the day I die, and anything that hinders that is off the table as far as I’m concerned.

Apart from sex I want the ability  to choose my own time of departure from this life, but again I fear my daughter and my friend Sara will strongly oppose that. (CM and I are in accord here). Despite this I am intending to gain as much information on this choice, my blog, after all is about Sex, Creativity and Death, and there are a number of things I still intend to follow up on, including attending Death Cafe’s, and talking to like minded people.

Finally I fear the wastelands we are creating on this beautiful planet of ours, and I fear there is no easy solution. Terms like Zombie Apocalypse are not unfamiliar in my family circle, but I try to do what I can while not dwelling on the future my grandkids will encounter. Having been a political animal my entire life it feels a bit odd that I’m blogging about sex and creativity at this juncture rather than lining up behind the obvious barricades. But we’ve all encountered the thin edge of Internet wedge, and in the absence of any clear (to me) direction, this seems as good a place as any to make a stand.

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10 thoughts on “No. 27. Zombie Apocalypse

  1. There is so much here in this post. Some of which I am only just beginning to think about. I need a total knee replacement in both knees and I am only 46. This means potentially doing it more than once- UGH! My BFF also has said she wants to make the decision of when she leaves this world herself too.

    This line is true for me too- regardless of other decisions: “I see no reason at this stage to forgo an active sex life of some sort until the day I die, and anything that hinders that is off the table as far as I’m concerned.” Though I imagine how to do this and what it looks like will be constantly changing as the years go by.

    Thanks for bringing up the “tough” things and walking us through your thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you ELB. My active sex life involves my bod (and hands of course), and about six favoured toys ATM. That may well change of course. I made it around the UK with only three. Lol. Xx


  2. You look like queen Victoria there! Questions of the future feel like they should be easier when we have the benefit of our lives to reflect on. Only for some reason they’re not. Loving the thought of you hiding your sex toys from the grand kids xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love that you see no reason not to have an active sex life until you die! You are inspiration to me in that regard. So many people give it up or feel they should as they age. And it is something I fear.

    I also fear the aging and death of my parents. Mainly because I am an only child and their care will be completely in my hands. So I definitely understand your fears on that subject.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Brigit. The second event will undoubtedly impact on the first. It’s a tough thing to go through especially on your own, but you just do it. Part of the cycle. Don’t stress about it but communicate with your folks if you can. And enjoy them if you can while you can. 😊


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